Life’s jitters

It’s funny how fear work. One day you’re full of ideas, you’re dreaming about experiencing different things, you crave a new life… The next day, you start making excuses, you think you’re protecting yourself from the unknown; you even try to convince yourself of how bad these ideas were in the first place. But the thing is… It’s probably fear slowly creeping in.

I know fear.

Fear has been one of my best friends in the past 10 years or so. It accompanied me every day of every week, always by my side, never too far from my mind.

By choosing fear instead of action, I thought I was protecting myself from all the potential pain that could come my way. I built the highest walls around me and focused even more on others so that I could forget about my own needs and desires. It became a habit of mine.

But now, looking back at my behavior, I’m starting to realize that not making the things I really wanted to do or not trying new experiences because I was too afraid, was way more hurtful than actually doing those things. At that time, I thought I was becoming more independent and stronger, when in fact, I was becoming more and more isolated; trying harder and harder to fit into a mold I pertinently knew wasn’t meant for me.

Honestly, for most of my life, I felt like a square trying to fit in a society of circles. I just felt different. Like I wasn’t meant for the day to day life that most people wanted to get. And in the past years, I tried… I really tried to transform myself into a circle. But all I managed to do is become a squircle. An unhappy squircle, might I add.

So, these days, I’m trying to break up with fear, but it’s not an easy task. Fear is clingy, you know? It kind of depends on me to live, so it wants to stay close. That’s why I’m taking it slow. It’s not like it arrived in my life all at once, so I won’t try to get rid of it too quickly. I’ll try to show it how more confident I’m becoming; how I don’t let it rule my life anymore. And I guess, soon enough, it will understand that it’s no longer needed here.

It’s time for fear to give way to happiness.

I must confess

I lied.

Okay. Not LIED, lied.

But I did not tell you the entire truth about starting this blog… See, I previously said that I was ready to play, that I was all in; but the fact is: I’m scared sh*tless.

I’m scared to be vulnerable. Scared to be incompetent, boring or forgettable. Scared to be me and to be rejected for that exact same reason…

In all honesty, it would be easy to only show you the good side of me. A lot of people already do it, don’t they? Plus, I’ve done it before. I had a blog. A – relatively – popular one. A blog where I was myself, but not too much. One where I sometimes allowed myself to be upset, but not too often – and certainly not in a way that would get me a lot of unwanted attention.

And I was really appreciated for it. I didn’t stir sh*t, I didn’t complain all the time, I didn’t give time to haters… And it was fine. I liked having a blog that was drama-free. But deep down, I knew that I needed to sacrifice some parts of myself in order to seem positive and happy 98% of the time.

I didn’t show my competitive side. I don’t remember mentioning once what I disliked. I don’t think I allowed myself to share my opinion on subjects that I would clearly have discuss in my day to day life.

My followers didn’t even know my age! I was so scared to not fit in, to be too old to belong with this group of women, to not be worthy of their love and attention, that I refrained myself to tell the whole truth. Don’t misunderstand me. It’s not that I was lying; I was just choosing carefully which truths would be known and which ones would stay hidden.

And believe me, I know a lot about hiding. Not in a pleasant “let’s play a game of hide and seek!” kind of way, but more in a tormented “I’ve been hurt so much in the past that I don’t trust anyone anymore and will find all the things I can use to hide myself from others” way.

Fun, eh?

So, yeah. I’m scared. But I want you to get to know the real me. The multifaceted Stephanie. Are you okay with that?

Oh, and by the way… I’m 36 years old.