Okay. Not LIED, lied.
But I did not tell you the entire truth about starting this blog… See, I previously said that I was ready to play, that I was all in; but the fact is: I’m scared sh*tless.
I’m scared to be vulnerable. Scared to be incompetent, boring or forgettable. Scared to be me and to be rejected for that exact same reason…
In all honesty, it would be easy to only show you the good side of me. A lot of people already do it, don’t they? Plus, I’ve done it before. I had a blog. A – relatively – popular one. A blog where I was myself, but not too much. One where I sometimes allowed myself to be upset, but not too often – and certainly not in a way that would get me a lot of unwanted attention.
And I was really appreciated for it. I didn’t stir sh*t, I didn’t complain all the time, I didn’t give time to haters… And it was fine. I liked having a blog that was drama-free. But deep down, I knew that I needed to sacrifice some parts of myself in order to seem positive and happy 98% of the time.
I didn’t show my competitive side. I don’t remember mentioning once what I disliked. I don’t think I allowed myself to share my opinion on subjects that I would clearly have discuss in my day to day life.
My followers didn’t even know my age! I was so scared to not fit in, to be too old to belong with this group of women, to not be worthy of their love and attention, that I refrained myself to tell the whole truth. Don’t misunderstand me. It’s not that I was lying; I was just choosing carefully which truths would be known and which ones would stay hidden.
And believe me, I know a lot about hiding. Not in a pleasant “let’s play a game of hide and seek!” kind of way, but more in a tormented “I’ve been hurt so much in the past that I don’t trust anyone anymore and will find all the things I can use to hide myself from others” way.
So, yeah. I’m scared. But I want you to get to know the real me. The multifaceted Stephanie. Are you okay with that?
Oh, and by the way… I’m 36 years old.