I must confess

I lied.

Okay. Not LIED, lied.

But I did not tell you the entire truth about starting this blog… See, I previously said that I was ready to play, that I was all in; but the fact is: I’m scared sh*tless.

I’m scared to be vulnerable. Scared to be incompetent, boring or forgettable. Scared to be me and to be rejected for that exact same reason…

In all honesty, it would be easy to only show you the good side of me. A lot of people already do it, don’t they? Plus, I’ve done it before. I had a blog. A – relatively – popular one. A blog where I was myself, but not too much. One where I sometimes allowed myself to be upset, but not too often – and certainly not in a way that would get me a lot of unwanted attention.

And I was really appreciated for it. I didn’t stir sh*t, I didn’t complain all the time, I didn’t give time to haters… And it was fine. I liked having a blog that was drama-free. But deep down, I knew that I needed to sacrifice some parts of myself in order to seem positive and happy 98% of the time.

I didn’t show my competitive side. I don’t remember mentioning once what I disliked. I don’t think I allowed myself to share my opinion on subjects that I would clearly have discuss in my day to day life.

My followers didn’t even know my age! I was so scared to not fit in, to be too old to belong with this group of women, to not be worthy of their love and attention, that I refrained myself to tell the whole truth. Don’t misunderstand me. It’s not that I was lying; I was just choosing carefully which truths would be known and which ones would stay hidden.

And believe me, I know a lot about hiding. Not in a pleasant “let’s play a game of hide and seek!” kind of way, but more in a tormented “I’ve been hurt so much in the past that I don’t trust anyone anymore and will find all the things I can use to hide myself from others” way.

Fun, eh?

So, yeah. I’m scared. But I want you to get to know the real me. The multifaceted Stephanie. Are you okay with that?

Oh, and by the way… I’m 36 years old.

Taking the plunge

Summer in Canada don’t last long. You wait an eternity for spring to settle in, then boom: warnings of heat wave are everywhere. But before you know it, it’s fall again and the cool weather is back for another 6 months…

As a kid, I didn’t mind mother nature’s mood swings. My sisters and I were outside most of the summer anyway, enjoying every last bit of sun. Plus, we loved to swim. It didn’t matter if the water temperature was 65° or 85°, we were in the pool for hours at a time. We would jump right into it and we knew that if the water was cold at the beginning, our bodies would adapt and we would be fine after a while.

One thing I remember from those summers is watching my parents come into the pool with us. My dad would sometimes go all-in, all at once, but my mom… It was like watching a delicate choreography come into action. She would sit on the deck, take some water into her hand and splash it onto her, one body part at a time. First, an arm. “Ohhh, it’s so cold!” Then, the other arm, followed by the front and the back of her neck, and so on. We would often encourage her to jump right in – to try and ease the process – but most of the time, she would refuse and stick with her habit. After a while, she would finally go down the steps and ready to play in the pool with us. Of course, this little ceremony was usually followed by a “it isn’t so cold after all” from her, which we all agreed to.

As an adult, I spend way less time in pools. But when I do…. Yeah. You guessed it: I do exactly like my mom used to! I feel like I’m unable to jump right in. I need to ease into it, go slow, get used to the temperature of the water. It’s like I’m afraid to go all in and realize, too late, that I had made a mistake.

But this is it. This is the problem. For years now, I’ve been too scared to take the plunge. I take so much time getting ready and mentally prepared that I end up wasting precious minutes/hours/weeks – even months (!!) before actually do the thing.

I can’t anymore.

That’s why I decided to dive right into this blog project. I might get cold for a moment, but I will adapt. And let me tell you: I’m ready to play.